Stand With Me So We May Crumble Society Together

We can play King of the Hill in the wreckage.

Anyway…

For those of you not familiar, take some time and get acquainted:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wife_Swap

Wifeswap:

Wifeswap? Simply brilliant. Incredible opportunities to shack up with a new husband or wife and selflessly donate emotional chaos to young minds for years to come? I’m there.

It plays just like the Bachelor, but with plastic surgery and more soggy cheerios. It’s got all the great drama of Jerry Springer but without the Nascar sponsorship and high stakes midget tossing.

Post viewing, I’ve really come to a cross roads in my life. I’ve realized that nothing I’ve accomplished lives up to even a fraction of this show’s greatness.

Which has led to the question… “What are you doing with your life Augie?” (I like to talk to myself in the third person so I can get a nonpartisan perspective without the input of an uninvolved party. I also like to reevaluate my existence on the basis of a television program)

I feel that I, as a concerned citizen, should add to the debasement of society. I don’t mean to punt small children, genocide an unwitting culture, or splatter feces on sacred religious symbols.

Yeah, I know. Done to death right?

-I don’t want to be trite. I don’t want to be cliché. And I don’t want to be tired.-

(I’m repeating the same thing three times in a row because I don’t like to be trite. I know it may be self-defeating to point out my hypocrisy to you, but I’d like to think that we’re all in the the joke together. Sounds good?)

Continuing on…

I have a new idea for a television show. I’m tired of seeing shows like the Bachelor or Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, and seeing all the shotgun weddings that add to the 50% divorce rate. These people deserve true love. Something needs to be done to aid this tragedy.

So I want to help.

I say that it’s about time we throw down the gauntlet and help real people find real love. I’m all for the blessed union of souls, but today’s fast based lifestyle just doesn’t afford the time.

Well, you see, not the time for just one woman…

Introducing:

Polygamy Party

You won’t have to worry about finding the right person. You can just select from an assortment. It’s just like the Starburst flavor rainbow, but when life doesn’t give you a tasty rainbow, you can just switch out the lemon and try again next time.

I’m sure I’d be compatible with at least one of 17 wives.

Then I could start a sweatshop with all my kids and take over the orient.
I could probably help pop out enough kids to populate a billion person country.
Granted, I know what you’re thinking, and well, I am too. It is a rather large workout, but I’ve always wanted a Bowflex body. It’s a package deal.

Benevolent dictator and television mastermind here I come.

———-

…By the way, I’m actually a big fan of lemon Starbursts. I thought I would just take advantage of their historically oppressed kind for my own selfish purposes.

I don’t actually advocate polygamy. There’s already enough stupid people who are great at having kids. Mutatating the primordial soup into Chef Boyardee bothers me too. Zero delectability what-so-ever.

Tip of the day:

Cut a lemon starburst and a strawberry starburst in half. Push the halves together and get an awesome mutant hybrid starburst. They won’t sell you that ish in stores. It’s got all the flavor of a Cotton Candee Bubbalicious but with all the safety hazards of Pop Rocks and Coke. Come with me and live life dangerously.

Mad love,

Augie

A million thanks to Amy for the name. “Polygamy Polka” didn’t sound half as good. Sounds too much like a drinking game for swingers.